it really is stupid how alone one can feel, even when surrounded with good people, interesting influence, and engaging activities.
i’ve got a pretty good mindset, in my opinion, but to avoid cynicism and a generally cold attitude is quite the obstacle for me sometimes. sure, sure, there are plenty of examples of reasons why anyone can be in this day and age, but i’m talkin’ ‘bout my ass here.
it’s been what - like two years, seven months and fifteen (i swear i just now calculated this) days since my abrupt departure from indiana. and i’m still having the most difficult time coping with it. i mean, there are probably lots of reasons that provide aid to said problem; becoming angry, unmotivated, lost, somewhat unapproachable (much more so than before), disregarding my various important lines of contact, and even my mild-to-moderately heart-breaking relationship at the time. however, the reason that trumps them all, is that i forgot to wrap my heart in bubble wrap and put it with the rest of my belongings.
and by this, i mean that i had so many important fucking people in my life i never got to have any sort’f farewell hangouts with. and that really, really sucks. my little finger is literally spasming just thinking about it. but seriously. while i was not the best at doing “scholarly” things and following “syllabii” and being a “good” “student”, i sure did make some incredible, truly loving, friendships. i can’t even get into the magnitude here, but i will say it extends every wall of China.
i had a place, a community, where i really let myself go and be surrounded by such interesting ideas/culture/experiences, while at the same time certainly making my own modest mark in various areas. and through all that came this really fucking talented, selfless, intelligent, hilarious group of people i called (well still call, but i think i’m in the past-tense here? [
jesus christ…]) my friends! every day was awesome, and it was marvelous.
BUT ANYWAY, ALL’S I MEAN IS… my sudden departure was SO sudden, in fact, that i had so little time to just say “bye”. at least, that’s how i feel. and this is about me. just to clarify.
soo… here i am, two and some change years later, still all poopy and sad about it sometimes. i suppose maybe that’s normal, or i also suppose that it is not normal. but it certainly factors into my general… eh.. mood (?) these days. in a negative, looking-in-the-back-mirror, sort’f way. and i don’t want my incredible memories of yesteryear to be holding my mental state back - NAY! - quite the opposite!
i find myself acting like a downright dickhead sometimes (i must admit, 94% of the time, i’m still being hilarious). and by this, i mean i’m just not as open to others i meet around here. i can really be quite aloof, distant, or cool sometimes. while i think it good to experience these feelings, i’m mother truckin’ tired of still feeling them.
i’ve made some pretty awesome friends here in Hanover as well, but i can’t help but feel bad, because i dont find myself connecting so well. and then i find myself thinking a billion different thoughts, comparing now to then, and telling myself how much better i had it, how i had so many people back home that i’d totally give a kidney to and this guy i don’t trust worth a pube.
this is exactly what i don’t like. this lack of hope for much evolution of any relationship is currently holding me the fuck back from continuing to flourish. i feel i’m getting to the point where i can really begin to overcome this train of thought, though… i’ve only recently really been reflecting on everything, and accepting shiiiit, and going back to schooool, and setting goooaaallls.. that i’m able to rise from this emotional slump.
so, having said all that, i’m beginning to make a conscious effort, again, to be less fearful and more loving. i’m gonna try my durndest to keep better correspondence to those back home, while also being more open to whatever comes my way out here.
sheesh, i gotta say - this whole writing-things-down thing kinda helps. alright now GET OUTTA MY THOUGHTS!